Pronouns are important: how to get talking about them

(Article by Ness Murby)

Pronouns are not only how we connect with the world but how we see ourselves within the world. Using the correct pronouns for someone is an expression of respect and validation, as well as a way of creating a safe environment and demonstrating allyship

PRONOUNS : What is the importance of a pronoun?

Pronouns are not only how we connect with the world but how we see ourselves within the world. Pronouns are important! Much the same as our name, pronouns are the way people identify us, refer to us, and engage with us. Pronouns are personal and so hold deep importance. If your pronouns have never been challenged it may feel as though the importance placed on pronouns is out of balance, I can assure you it’s not. Try to imagine for a moment that someone insisted on referring to you by a different name no matter how often you corrected them, at best it might feel foreign. Because there is an entitled assumption surrounding gender, there needs to be a conscious change in behaviour to correct it.

For me, being referred to as “he” has always felt right. Each time it happened I grew a little more confident, stood that bit taller, and felt seen. At the age of 6, telling my gran “a husband and a father” in response to the age old “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question. At the age of 8, having the Hong Kong store owner begin sizing me “correctly” for my boys school uniform (for just a moment, me). At every one of my barber shops whether Australia, Japan, Canada or between. At every age. Now. Today. Right here. This moment. Every moment. Being referred to as “he” is who I am and who I always have been — that is how you should refer to me.

Chris Mosier, trans man and team USA athlete, speaking on the importance of pronouns at work said “Today, it is very rare that someone misgenders me, but as a trans man, that was not always my experience… As a kid, I didn’t understand identity, but I knew it felt good to be called ‘he’, and at the same time, my parents would get wildly upset when it happened in public.”

Using a person’s pronouns is one of the smallest ways to acknowledge someone’s identity and yet doing so has one of the most profound impacts. As a society we regard people via the third person repeatedly almost to linguistic ad nauseam. Using the correct pronouns for someone is an expression of respect and validation, as well as a way of creating a safe environment and demonstrating allyship. 

So in case you’re wondering, PRONOUNS ARE IMPORTANT!

THE GENDERBREAD PERSON : Where do pronouns fit into the conversation?

Breaking a complicated concept into bite-sized, digestible pieces. The GENDERBREAD person endeavours to explain the difference between Sex /Assigned Gender at Birth (AGAB), Gender Expression, Gender Identity, and Attraction /Sexual Orientation. Pronouns fit within Identity.

Pronouns work just like a name. The way we refer to people by the name they‘ve introduced themselves as is exactly how we should refer to someone when it comes to their pronouns. Consider them one and the same, pronouns should always be determined by the person you are speaking about.

LANGUAGE : How do I talk pronouns?

“Pronouns” or “Personal Pronouns” are the correct terminology. “Preferred Pronouns” do NOT exist. My pronouns are non-negotiable. They are not a preference. Treating pronouns like a preference suggests the person stating them is saying “I’d like you to refer to me as this, but if you don’t that’s ok”. This is NOT the case. My pronouns are not optional. Pronouns are as much a part of a person’s identity as a their name and self concept, and should be respected as such.

ASSUMPTIONS : How do I know someone’s pronoun?

You don’t. There is no way to tell someone’s pronouns just by looking at them. The only way to know for sure is if someone has them posted or to ask them personally. 

People often make assumptions about a person’s gender identity based upon their appearance however physical attributes and/or presentation do not define a person or their pronouns. Assumptions can be wrong and have the potential for harmful consequences. Don’t make a further assumption in thinking that your assumed pronoun for someone is the right one just because you haven’t been corrected (correcting people’s assumptions comes with consequences and relies on safety).

It’s also important to reiterate that assumptions are how the fallacy exists that only transgender people use pronouns. Using pronouns is universal. Likewise wanting to be referred to by our correct pronoun is too.

Asking can be done in a variety of approaches from most direct “what are your pronouns?” to more conversational “Hi, I’m (insert) and my pronouns are (insert), would you feel comfortable sharing yours?” or  “I realise we’ve never talked about this, my pronouns are (insert), what are yours?” Getting comfortable with asking can take practise, but uncomfortable isn’t synonymous with bad. Asking is all about normalising the language so that exchanging pronouns can become part of our culture.

When a person shares their pronouns with you, it means that they want to be referred to with this language. So once you know someone’s pronouns, use them.

MISGENDERING : What if I use the wrong pronouns?

Using the wrong pronoun can cause harm and sends a message of refusal to recognise the person for who they are. Apologise when you make a mistake. If you catch your mistake in the moment, acknowledge your error and make the correction. Building on an apology, it can be an invaluable gesture of respect to intentionally, yet naturally, use a person’s correct pronoun in a conversation after misgendering them. Perfection is impossible however our responses to our mistakes are in our control.

These events happen, everyone makes mistakes, and they will happen from varying places of intention. I’ve had friends, family, and coworkers misgender me. Explanations have ranged from the inadvertent slips to overt protests. At the end of the day it’s about the impact not the explanation; being misgendered never feels good and when it comes from people who are aware of my pronouns it can feel disrespectful and discarding. What a person chooses to do once they’ve misgendered me makes a difference.

It takes conscious practise to rewrite any habit.  Language is no different. Practising pronouns helps to build a new second nature, this can be done conversationally by taking opportunities to intentionally use a person’s correct pronouns, writing down notes, sticking a post-it note reminder on your monitor before an online meeting or call, etc. This about changing the way we communicate and deliberately taking accountability for our language.

Check out this resource for some example role-play situations on how to tackle gendering mistakes. https://www.mypronouns.org/mistakes

LEADING THE WAY : How can I make a difference?

The messaging we perpetuate sets the culture of our organisations and social cohorts. When people in leadership positions and influencers model diversity, equity and inclusion behaviour it sets a precedent and establishes expectations. Safe spaces are created through the norms we project and adopt.  Without active inclusion there’s no foundation for safety or support. The responsibility of fostering better allyship shouldn’t fall on trans and non-binary individuals.

I publicly came out as a trans man in November 2020. With the message “there is enough space for all of us”, I am the first Canadian Athletics national team athlete and the first Canadian Paralympic Team member to be out publicly as trans. At present there is only one other Canadian National athlete out: Quinn, a Canadian Soccer national team athlete and member of the Canadian Olympic Team, came out publicly in September 2020 as non-binary transgender with the message “be better allies”. Statistically speaking it’s unlikely that we are the only two individuals who identify as such, however we are the only two who are currently out publicly and this leads to the question of “why?”.

The culture we invest in needs to better meet the moment for LGBTQ+ inclusion. In coming out I received messages of acknowledgement from one parent, one athlete, and one coach within my NSO (national sporting organisation). This month I was misgendered by a team leader on a formal team webinar (an apology did follow once the error was pointed out). Sharing my story is about calling on accountability: experience and exposure affords us the opportunity for growth (not just within NSOs but at large). This gap in allyship is not unusual. Change starts with all of us as individuals.

Being better allies means that the orthodoxy has got to change, and better ways won’t come from old behaviour. A great way to start implementing inclusive practises is to start including pronouns. Introduce yourself including your pronouns and invite others to do the same, wear pronoun pins or add them to a nametag, add pronouns to your email signature, social media, and online platforms such as zoom. Most online platforms still don’t offer a place to input pronouns so it’s become common to add them in brackets next to your last name or in your bio — If we can’t change a system, we can certainly work within it to affect change.

Actions set culture. These small ways let others know you are an ally and that you are open to creating a more comfortable environment for people around you.

Pronouns are important,
start treating them as such!